Fall In Love With The Process

 Today I recognise that life would be a joy in all it's messed up glory if I could ony fall in love with the process.  This would help me is in so many ways.  To live with joy. To paint with joy.  To parent with joy. To be a wife with joy.  To heal with joy.  To be sober with joy. To eat clean with joy.  To age with joy. 

Instead I had a couple of glasses of wine and chocolate with dairy in it last night and woke up foggy and achy, because it doesn't help the arthritis that I have been developing over the last 2 years.  I'm only 42.  Since I was 39 my body has been breaking.  Over the hill indeed. 

If there ever was a time to fall in love with the process of it all, it would be now.  I know things need to change. I can't keep adding to the pressure my body already has to heal.  I know what I need to do, and it would be so much easier to do if I could do it joyfully with love in my heart, with a true desire to follow the process, because I am obessed with it, so totally in love with it.  I love obsessively so I know it's possible.  I must find the part of me that doesn't mind delaying a bit of gratification, that doesn't mind putting my wisdom before my habits. Where is that wise woman?  She is also a bit stubborn and, as my mother would say, 'contrary'.  Do I like being called contrary? No.. I don't.  So maybe I should prove her wrong and not be contrary. Ha.  I'll break the system.  But then won't I just be proving her right? Hmm... no if I am not conrary then she is wrong.  Is this really the motivation I need to do something for myself? Something so important that my quality of life depends on it?  Does it matter where my motivation comes from? Probably.  

I will keep going. As long as I am alive I will keep trying.  In my own way. As best as I can.  Will I have regrets? Possibly.  I am human.  I wonder when it's all over if we go back to heaven and wish we could have been a bit more disciplined.  I suppose I wont know until that day comes. 

Onward and upward. To infinity and beyond! 

Enjoy the day, come what may... and fall in love with the process.